Protection and Execrations

The topic of execrations has come up in my divination readings again.  It has been a while since I’ve done one.  I actually bought a pot a while ago, but I never painted or smashed it.  I usually just draw and write on paper, rip it up and burn it.   I am not the best at protecting myself.

I’ve done a little research into wards, but I’ve never implemented any of it.  I often don’t even think of asking my gods or my akhu (ancestors) for protection.  I have been building (a little) my relationship back up with my guardian angel (or whatever you want to call them), so that is someone else whom I could ask for help.

However I decide to go about it, my readings are making it quite clear that I need to do something.  External forces are bothering me.  It is time for an execration, simple though mine may be.  Since I have let things slide for a while, I may need to do a few execrations.  Trying to put up wards of some kind or asking for help wouldn’t be a bad idea either.  At the worst, they wouldn’t work, but I would be no worse off then when I started.  I guess I should get on that.

Visiting a Friend and Choosing My Path

I just got back from meeting with a friend of mine, I’ll call her L. L is a spirit worker for Hel. She has been helping me to figure out some confusing readings and put the pieces together. L has also reaffirmed what I have initially felt. My home is in kemeticism. The Norse gods have something to teach me right now, which is why I am being drawn to them. Eventually I may be drawn to other pantheons, but kemeticism will always be my home. I have a future as a community leader and possibly as a priestess. I may even help to establish a local kemetic group some day. Right now I need to absorb all the information that is around me and solidify my daily ritual routine. I need to connect with other pagan groups in the area to learn as much as I can and to form bonds.

In the future, I may devote myself fully to Djehuty. Right now, I have much to do for him as well as other gods. Now is not the time for oaths, but it is time for activity. Thankfully Djehuty is all about gaining knowledge, so I can dedicate some of my studying to him. ~_^ I will hopefully become a student soon of the local wiccan coven. I don’t identify as wiccan, but I can learn a great deal from them if they are willing. They have taken other pagan leaders under their wing to help grow them to maturity, and I have hope that they will help me on my path.

Magic and meditation are two very important things that I need to integrate into my life more. It will take work and dedication, two things from which I sometimes shy away. I need to invest time and energy into these practices, however. They will become an integral part of my path. I also need to trust my intuition. I’m not an empath, but I can intuitively feel energies a little bit. I need to trust this. I need to have confidence that I can differentiate my own feelings and energies from external ones.

I always wanted to be god-bothered, and now I am. It will be an interesting ride. It is likely that I will never have a direct “god-phone,” but that doesn’t mean that I can’t work with and for the gods. Hopefully I can live up to their expectations. More importantly, hopefully I can live up to mine. The path is mine to choose, that much is clear. I am choosing to work with and for the gods and the community. I have a long road ahead of me. Wish me luck.

Who Is It?

Someone is calling me.  It’s coming up in cold readings that others are doing for me.  I know that Djehuty wants me to work with him, but I am not sure that this Someone is him.  I also am not sure what he (I think it is a he, though gender with gods can get iffy) wants from me.  I feel like I am being called to a devotional relationship of some sort.  I don’t think I am ready to commit to anything long term, but I would really like to see the offer.  Perhaps it is something I could work towards.  I am at a confusing point.  I know that I am supposed to make choices, but how do I make choices when I don’t know what the offers are or who they are from?  Patience is a virtue that I have to work a great deal to maintain for any extent of time.

Part of me is afraid that if I don’t find out everything RIGHT NOW, it will all go away and I’ll never know what I missed.  This is not how it works, or, at least, that is what I keep telling myself.  If a god really wants to work with me, they have to use the proverbial 2×4.  I can and have sought out readings to try to see things more clearly, but that is all I can do.  At this time, I need to focus on what I do know.

I have set up a little Norse altar on a bookshelf.  I should be getting a table to use for it on Monday.  I am feeling drawn to Odin, so I am reading a good deal about him.  I want to start some rune study.  I want to do a large number of things, though, so we’ll see if I can actually get something going.  I still want to repair my relationship with Loki.  I feel drawn toward the Giants in general and would like to include several of them a general practice of some sort.  I still haven’t set up a daily routine, but I am making progress.

I still want to build a close relationship to Djehuty.  All of my writing, little of it as there is, I am dedicating to him.  He is a blessing in my life.  A friend of mine shared a ritual to honor him and the Ogdoad of Hermopolis, so I might try doing it before my writing ventures if not daily.  I still want to honor other Netjeru, but I don’t have a set daily practice for them either.  I also need to put more work into my ancestor/akhu shrine and honoring them.  I had some great ideas that I never fully completed.  They have helped me in the past, and they deserve my gratitude and respect.

This is where I am in my practice right now.  Lots to learn, lots to do, and lots of confusion.  Hopefully things will become clearer in the future.  For now, I do have enough to keep me busy if I so choose.  I am trying one last outlet to see who has been calling me.  If that doesn’t come through, I’ll assume that he doesn’t want to be known yet.  A friend suggested making offerings to him inspite of the mystery.  I am somewhat hesitant to develop a relationship when I don’t know who it is, but it’s worth considering.  Time will tell.

Enjoying a Sumbel and Still Feeling Outside the Circle

Last night I participated in my first local sumbel.  I partook of the apple juice and not the mead (maybe next time!), and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  It was a public sumbel put on by Nebraskan Heathens United, and around 20 people attended.  A sumbel is a heathen tradition where you toast the gods, the ancestors, and make boasts.  Oaths can also be made at sumbels.  The sumbel was preceded by a ritual, or blot as it is called.  It was an hour away, but it was definitely worth the drive.

My kemetic gods have been encouraging me to work with the heathen gods to learn some self-sufficiency.  They also want me to find a community.  I thought perhaps the heathen community might be what I was looking for.  However, I will always be the kemetic that practices heathenry.  Although the group is very helpful and open, I don’t foresee ever being invited to their private rituals.  Perhaps it will change in the future, when I have more practice under my belt.  Perhaps not.  I am glad that I have them as a community of friends, but I feel that I will always be an outsider.  Especially since I don’t know if I will be working with the heathen gods temporarily or always.  I respect their right to keep their private rituals private, and would never want to intrude.

As much as my gods seem to want me to have a local community around me, perhaps it is just not in my cards to be part of a group in the way that I desire.  I am part of the Prairie Shadow Grove and ADF, but even there my kemeticism separates me from the group.  I have found a fantastic group of kemetics online, so at least I feel part of that community,  even if it isn’t local.  I’m not the best at promoting myself.  I tend to be a bit standoffish.  My bipolar symptoms have been acting up more recently, so I have also put up protective shields on that count.  I have a few close friends in each of the groups, perhaps it should not be as important to be close to the group itself.

Thrown for a Loop: Introducing Heathenry into my Practice

Things have been busy of late.  I’ve been feeling a pull towards the Norse pantheon as well as a pull towards Djehuty.  I’ve had a number of tarot/oracle/rune readings done to try to clarify these different threads.  A friend of mine introduced me to a reader whom she knows and feels can be non-biased since a few of my readings have come back with intense and surprising results.  The results that I feel confident with are that the Kemetic pantheon does want me to work with the Norse pantheon.  They want me to become more independent and to find a local community in which to participate.  There is a somewhat local group of heathens (in a city about an hour from my home) with whom I am friendly.  I have found a kemetic home online, though not one locally.

I hold kemeticism in my heart, so although I will be approaching the Norse pantheon according to their traditions, my thought process might be a little out of the ordinary.  I am very excited and very nervous.  I have felt such a strong pull, yet I know there will be many trials for me to go through.  I have been trying to cultivate a relationship with Loki and have now added Odin into the mix.  I’m a little nervous to encounter all of the other gods, but I want to be hospitable and make a place that will welcome them.

I’ve been thinking deeply about dedicating myself to Djehuty for a year in May.  I’m not sure how this would fit into getting to know the Norse pantheon.  I will have to contemplate it some more.  Perhaps it is not time yet.  I am hoping the reading with the local reader will help me to see this point more clearly.  He has been very “loud” in giving me signs.  I can still work closely with him and for him even if I have not taken an oath of dedication.  I know he approves of me working with the Norse gods.  The question that I have right now is whether or not this dedication would hinder the Norse gods in shaping me in the ways that I need.  I thought I had it figured out, but I guess I have some more contemplating to do.

Kemetic Orthodoxy, Druidry, and Muddling Through

I keep going back and forth about going through the Rite of Parent Divination with Kemetic Orthodoxy.  I think to not do it is to choose the harder path (not necessarily better), but if I’m wavering this much then I’m not ready.  Perhaps I will do it in the future.  If I don’t do it now, then I probably need to do some shadow work.  It’s not my favorite option, but there is definitely some negative thinking that I need to eradicate.

I’ve felt a strong draw back to Sekhmet recently.  Djehuty is always there, but Sekhmet is more like a mother figure for me.  Perhaps I need to focus back on those relationships.  I really don’t know.  I guess no one really does.  There is also the exploring of the relationship with Ra for which I haven’t done much.  I have been doing the Kemetic Orthodoxy Rite of senut most days, and that has helped me greatly.

I also feel like I need to spend more time getting to know my akhu better.  I put together a little shrine, but it doesn’t look like much.  I need to set up a routine to honor them.  I am going to get a little book to write down the names of ancestors that I know and leave it on the shrine.  I would also like to get a bigger statue of Anup for it.  Right now I just have a charm there.  Perhaps I can come up with a weekly rite.  I’ve been leaving rum on the akhu shrine and just letting it evaporate.  I might add a glass of water.  I would like to establish a ritual with some routine.  Daily would probably be too much, but perhaps weekly would work.

I want to bring my druidry into my home practice more.  I’m moving around altars, and looking for a good place to put the druidic one.  I’m exploring heathenry more because I think the Norse hearth culture will be my center for ADF.  I’m trying to re-establish my relationship with Loki and get to know Odin better.  I’d like to come up with something simple that I can do for them daily.  I’m still looking into that.  It’s odd, I feel more attracted to the Jotun, yet I still feel like Odin can help me get to where I want to go spiritually.

Basically I need to work on trusting myself and my intuition more.  I also need to work on my divination techniques.  It is still what I use most of the time to communicate with the Gods.  I also need to work on bringing my Gods back into my everyday life, talking to them throughout the day.  I love ritual, but I also need this more mundane connection.  I guess I’ll see where my path takes me.

A Kemetic Update

I’ve been doing my daily divinations and then ignoring them recently.  Create!  Create!  keeps echoing back to me, but I’m so scared of doing it wrong.  Today I am going to fight the fear, put my trust in my Gods, and try to get some information onto my blog.  I picked up some books relatively recently, including How to Read Egyptian Hieroglyphs by Mark Collier and Bill Manley.  I’m trying to make time for more research on the kemetic side of things.  I’ve been spending some time on tumblr, meeting fellow kemetics and gleaning some information there.

Imhotep, the healing card from my Book of Doors deck, popped up again a few days ago.  Apparently, I’m afraid of enlightenment.  I have to admit that as much as I always seem to want change, I am also afraid of how it will look if it happens.  I want to get closer to my Gods, but what will the results look like?  I think that I blame the Christian/Catholic God for my bipolar illness, even though I know that is silly.  When I got sick in my late teens and early 20s, I felt completely abandoned.  I’m afraid of getting closer to other Deities and then feeling abandoned again.  I know that my illness is biological and not anyone’s fault.  It’s hard to remember sometimes that support is out there.

I classify myself as a hard polytheist, and yet I worship Sekhmet-Mut as a syncretic deity.  I’m still trying to sort that all out.  It’s easier for me to be on the hard polytheist end of things, but I don’t know if that is where I’ll stay.  At some point, I will have to investigate Hermeticism, and see where it fits into all of this.  I’ve also found people that practice Kemeticism and still include some Christianity in their devotions.  I’m not sure if this means anything for my future.  Right now I am focusing on building relationships with the deities that I currently worship.  However, I did go through baptism and confirmation in the Roman Catholic Church, and someday I may have to address that.  I also still talk to and depend on my guardian angel.

I feel that my Kemetic Deities have been gentle and protective of me recently.  Perhaps it is because I had a little more trouble taking care of myself lately.  I’m doing better now and thinking more clearly.  I am trying to hold onto the thought that my Gods return my love.   All I should need to know is that I love Them, but it is nice to feel Their love in return.  Kemeticism is not the only area that I have been working on, but it still has taken precedence in my practice.