A Few Death Tent Truths from the Ancestors

Last Friday, a Patreon group I’m in (as a patron of Cris Ashburn) had our biweekly death tent. Around every half moon, a handful of us gather on Zoom and do a trance / journey work to connect with our ancestors. This time, Cris gave us a few different themes to choose from for focus our journeys. I floated between two: how to better relax and my relationship to intimacy.

At first, my journey primarily reflected the first one. I was reminded that sometimes action itself can be relaxing and regenerating. Rest is important, but a complete lack of movement, both physical and metaphorical, can be draining in its own way. My ancestors also reminded me that allowing myself what I need and want in healthy ways helps the ancestors of my past and my future to allow themselves that grace. Being gentle and nurturing with myself helps to heal the ancestral wound of self-denial, feeling undeserving, and needless sacrificing.

I was also confronted with the different ways that I keep emotional intimacy at bay. I am currently in the process of deciding where I want to move. A large part of me doesn’t want to live near people I know because I’m afraid of the vulnerability that it might entail. However, I’m also reminded that when I’m physically closer to people, I tend to erect more emotional walls that keep or push us farther apart. Either way it seems, as much as I want to invite emotional intimacy more into my life (not just in a romantic sense), my actions tend to keep people on the outside.

There are lots of different motivating factors around where would be a good place to move to, but I definitely want and need to take more steps into vulnerability. Leaning into my voice is a part of that. My ancestors reminded me that when I censor myself based on my anticipation and assumptions about others’ reactions, then no real truth gets out and I eventually just go silent. The only way to counter that is through action, through use, through expression. The more I use my voice, the smoother that pathway becomes.

A Rambly Update

It’s been a while since I’ve updated. A lot has been trying to happen, but I’ve had a hard time taking the few steps to let it do so.

On the positive front, I have finally started to transition my focus weekly between about three groups of spirits- ancestors and related deities, Kemetic and sau work, and Pack magic stuff. This was my intention for October, but I couldn’t seem to transition because I kept feeling like I hadn’t don’t “enough” yet. I’m still early on in the trial. Last week was ancestors, and I found myself focusing more on them without much extra thought. This week is Kemetic stuff, and I’m happy to say that I feel like I’m actually making progress. I feel like my Kemetic gods got continuously put on the back burner when I was trying to tend to everyone at once.

I’ve also realized that making space for small trance journeys (ie 10-15 min) throughout the week has helped me feel more grounded and less unceremoniously yanked into a long, unintentional journey. I think that allowing for some small trance periods through out the week might become part of my necessary personal upkeep for balance. Especially as I currently find myself trancing more easily and more often. Allowing it as a set time to interact with some of my spirits and listen helps all sides to stay a bit calmer.

Spiritual work isn’t just about listening, and I’m definitely at an “action is needed” point. This has been extremely challenging for me, as my depression and anxiety seem to flare up so easily these days. I am reminded of the importance of self-care, maintenance, and listening to self. As a person who was diagnosed with Bipolar years ago, I’m well aware of how much diet and (lack of) physical activity affects my mood and my brain’s ability to process things in general. I was reminded this week that I have to listen to the anxious and depressed parts of myself if I want to find out what they really need, instead of trying to push them under the rug and thus exacerbate the situation.

I am learning that there are many times when I know what I must do, but I delay action because I don’t know the why. I am trying to lean more into trust and following my intuition. I trust most of the spirits in my life. I find that my biggest issue is the difficulty in trusting myself. Releasing the need to know all the ‘whys’ might be a life-long challenge, but I do think I can make progress in that area.

The changing focus weekly is not an all or nothing thing. “Non-focal” spirits and related activities still pepper the week. It does take a lot of stress off, however, and has created a subconscious pull to connect more with Whoever’s week it is. At Samhain, I made a deep commitment to a particular deity. I have found myself falling even deeper into the spirit work rabbit hole since then. The dissonances between my inner world and outer world are more sharply highlighted, and I have been trying to find a harmony between the two. Fear of the unknown has had me fighting myself on this path. I have to keep reminding myself that just because I can’t see how it all will work out does not mean that it won’t all still work out.

That’s enough rambling for now. Hopefully I will be able to return with more focused content sooner rather than later, but no promises. Thanks for sticking with me.