Bipolar Ramblings

It has come up a lot over the past few years in readings done by people whom I don’t know that who I am and what I project are two very different things.  I am not sure how to change this.  I am slowly trying to break down the walls that I have built over the years.  As with most people, there has always been stress to meet certain expectations of others.  I am slowly trying to find myself again, but it is difficult.

I thought I had a life path all figured out, but it went down the drain when my bipolar disorder became too overwhelming.  I picked up some bad habits with negative thinking, fear of failure and fear of success.  Although I have been feeling better recently, my fears have kept me locked in a rut.  I am moving forward, but it is slow and painful.  I’m fighting myself.

In kemeticism, there is a concept called Zep Tepi.  It is a new beginning.  You can find Zep Tepi in every day, every second.  You can and are constantly starting anew.  I need to remember this.  I need to let go of the stagnation, the shame of the past, and the fear of the future.  I need to focus on the now and be mindful.  I need to trust my intuition.  The most important thing for me, however, is to accept happiness.  I have experienced such deep lows that I am afraid to be happy.  I feel undeserving.  I also feel that if I let myself be happy then the drop to depression will be more severe.  This is not to say that I don’t enjoy things, but I do tend to sabotage my chances at harmony and consistent happiness.  I find a great deal of happiness in my relationships with my gods.  I need to focus on what I need and what I want.  I need to celebrate my joy.

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