Protection and Execrations

The topic of execrations has come up in my divination readings again.  It has been a while since I’ve done one.  I actually bought a pot a while ago, but I never painted or smashed it.  I usually just draw and write on paper, rip it up and burn it.   I am not the best at protecting myself.

I’ve done a little research into wards, but I’ve never implemented any of it.  I often don’t even think of asking my gods or my akhu (ancestors) for protection.  I have been building (a little) my relationship back up with my guardian angel (or whatever you want to call them), so that is someone else whom I could ask for help.

However I decide to go about it, my readings are making it quite clear that I need to do something.  External forces are bothering me.  It is time for an execration, simple though mine may be.  Since I have let things slide for a while, I may need to do a few execrations.  Trying to put up wards of some kind or asking for help wouldn’t be a bad idea either.  At the worst, they wouldn’t work, but I would be no worse off then when I started.  I guess I should get on that.

Spring Equinox, Not Being Social, and Stagnation

On Saturday, I celebrated the Spring Equinox in a public ADF ritual.  We wrote a Vedic ritual honoring Savitr and Pusan, two solar deities.  Our grove likes to celebrate different pantheons in our public rituals to be more inclusive.  Vedism was the religion that preceded Hinduism.  Although some of the deities are shared between the two, there are a number of differences.  This article on the ADF website talks about Vedism for those interested.  All told, the ritual went off well despite a few minor issues.  It was a bit cold and windy outside.  The candles wouldn’t stay lit.  We had three adorable children (the daughters and son of our treasurer) help with the offerings.  Nothing spilled and nothing broke.  There were a few rather long pauses in certain points, but as I am always in a rush, it is good practice for my patience.

I did notice that my desire to be sociable seems to be regressing a bit.  At the times when it hit me that it would be good to introduce myself to new people, I refrained.  I don’t know how I expect to be any sort of community leader if I can’t interact well with people whom I don’t yet know.  That is something which I will have to work hard on this year.  I can blame it on still coming out of my mixed episode and feeling vulnerable, but these are things that I will have to continuously overcome, so blaming does nothing.

I also have to fight through the not doing that comes out of fearing of “doing it wrong.”  I am not a reconstructionist, though I may be recon-inspired.  The gods would prefer that I try something that may or may not be exactly correct as opposed to doing nothing out of fear of messing up.  I have started stagnating and have been having trouble getting a daily practice back up and going.  Learning about things is good, but it does not replace doing.  Part of religion is to practice it.  Even if all I can do is light a stick of incense and offer it up to the gods, that is what I need to do.  I really need to get past this fear that comes from comparing my practice to others.  It benefits no one.

Visiting a Friend and Choosing My Path

I just got back from meeting with a friend of mine, I’ll call her L. L is a spirit worker for Hel. She has been helping me to figure out some confusing readings and put the pieces together. L has also reaffirmed what I have initially felt. My home is in kemeticism. The Norse gods have something to teach me right now, which is why I am being drawn to them. Eventually I may be drawn to other pantheons, but kemeticism will always be my home. I have a future as a community leader and possibly as a priestess. I may even help to establish a local kemetic group some day. Right now I need to absorb all the information that is around me and solidify my daily ritual routine. I need to connect with other pagan groups in the area to learn as much as I can and to form bonds.

In the future, I may devote myself fully to Djehuty. Right now, I have much to do for him as well as other gods. Now is not the time for oaths, but it is time for activity. Thankfully Djehuty is all about gaining knowledge, so I can dedicate some of my studying to him. ~_^ I will hopefully become a student soon of the local wiccan coven. I don’t identify as wiccan, but I can learn a great deal from them if they are willing. They have taken other pagan leaders under their wing to help grow them to maturity, and I have hope that they will help me on my path.

Magic and meditation are two very important things that I need to integrate into my life more. It will take work and dedication, two things from which I sometimes shy away. I need to invest time and energy into these practices, however. They will become an integral part of my path. I also need to trust my intuition. I’m not an empath, but I can intuitively feel energies a little bit. I need to trust this. I need to have confidence that I can differentiate my own feelings and energies from external ones.

I always wanted to be god-bothered, and now I am. It will be an interesting ride. It is likely that I will never have a direct “god-phone,” but that doesn’t mean that I can’t work with and for the gods. Hopefully I can live up to their expectations. More importantly, hopefully I can live up to mine. The path is mine to choose, that much is clear. I am choosing to work with and for the gods and the community. I have a long road ahead of me. Wish me luck.

Who Is It?

Someone is calling me.  It’s coming up in cold readings that others are doing for me.  I know that Djehuty wants me to work with him, but I am not sure that this Someone is him.  I also am not sure what he (I think it is a he, though gender with gods can get iffy) wants from me.  I feel like I am being called to a devotional relationship of some sort.  I don’t think I am ready to commit to anything long term, but I would really like to see the offer.  Perhaps it is something I could work towards.  I am at a confusing point.  I know that I am supposed to make choices, but how do I make choices when I don’t know what the offers are or who they are from?  Patience is a virtue that I have to work a great deal to maintain for any extent of time.

Part of me is afraid that if I don’t find out everything RIGHT NOW, it will all go away and I’ll never know what I missed.  This is not how it works, or, at least, that is what I keep telling myself.  If a god really wants to work with me, they have to use the proverbial 2×4.  I can and have sought out readings to try to see things more clearly, but that is all I can do.  At this time, I need to focus on what I do know.

I have set up a little Norse altar on a bookshelf.  I should be getting a table to use for it on Monday.  I am feeling drawn to Odin, so I am reading a good deal about him.  I want to start some rune study.  I want to do a large number of things, though, so we’ll see if I can actually get something going.  I still want to repair my relationship with Loki.  I feel drawn toward the Giants in general and would like to include several of them a general practice of some sort.  I still haven’t set up a daily routine, but I am making progress.

I still want to build a close relationship to Djehuty.  All of my writing, little of it as there is, I am dedicating to him.  He is a blessing in my life.  A friend of mine shared a ritual to honor him and the Ogdoad of Hermopolis, so I might try doing it before my writing ventures if not daily.  I still want to honor other Netjeru, but I don’t have a set daily practice for them either.  I also need to put more work into my ancestor/akhu shrine and honoring them.  I had some great ideas that I never fully completed.  They have helped me in the past, and they deserve my gratitude and respect.

This is where I am in my practice right now.  Lots to learn, lots to do, and lots of confusion.  Hopefully things will become clearer in the future.  For now, I do have enough to keep me busy if I so choose.  I am trying one last outlet to see who has been calling me.  If that doesn’t come through, I’ll assume that he doesn’t want to be known yet.  A friend suggested making offerings to him inspite of the mystery.  I am somewhat hesitant to develop a relationship when I don’t know who it is, but it’s worth considering.  Time will tell.

Enjoying a Sumbel and Still Feeling Outside the Circle

Last night I participated in my first local sumbel.  I partook of the apple juice and not the mead (maybe next time!), and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  It was a public sumbel put on by Nebraskan Heathens United, and around 20 people attended.  A sumbel is a heathen tradition where you toast the gods, the ancestors, and make boasts.  Oaths can also be made at sumbels.  The sumbel was preceded by a ritual, or blot as it is called.  It was an hour away, but it was definitely worth the drive.

My kemetic gods have been encouraging me to work with the heathen gods to learn some self-sufficiency.  They also want me to find a community.  I thought perhaps the heathen community might be what I was looking for.  However, I will always be the kemetic that practices heathenry.  Although the group is very helpful and open, I don’t foresee ever being invited to their private rituals.  Perhaps it will change in the future, when I have more practice under my belt.  Perhaps not.  I am glad that I have them as a community of friends, but I feel that I will always be an outsider.  Especially since I don’t know if I will be working with the heathen gods temporarily or always.  I respect their right to keep their private rituals private, and would never want to intrude.

As much as my gods seem to want me to have a local community around me, perhaps it is just not in my cards to be part of a group in the way that I desire.  I am part of the Prairie Shadow Grove and ADF, but even there my kemeticism separates me from the group.  I have found a fantastic group of kemetics online, so at least I feel part of that community,  even if it isn’t local.  I’m not the best at promoting myself.  I tend to be a bit standoffish.  My bipolar symptoms have been acting up more recently, so I have also put up protective shields on that count.  I have a few close friends in each of the groups, perhaps it should not be as important to be close to the group itself.

Thrown for a Loop: Introducing Heathenry into my Practice

Things have been busy of late.  I’ve been feeling a pull towards the Norse pantheon as well as a pull towards Djehuty.  I’ve had a number of tarot/oracle/rune readings done to try to clarify these different threads.  A friend of mine introduced me to a reader whom she knows and feels can be non-biased since a few of my readings have come back with intense and surprising results.  The results that I feel confident with are that the Kemetic pantheon does want me to work with the Norse pantheon.  They want me to become more independent and to find a local community in which to participate.  There is a somewhat local group of heathens (in a city about an hour from my home) with whom I am friendly.  I have found a kemetic home online, though not one locally.

I hold kemeticism in my heart, so although I will be approaching the Norse pantheon according to their traditions, my thought process might be a little out of the ordinary.  I am very excited and very nervous.  I have felt such a strong pull, yet I know there will be many trials for me to go through.  I have been trying to cultivate a relationship with Loki and have now added Odin into the mix.  I’m a little nervous to encounter all of the other gods, but I want to be hospitable and make a place that will welcome them.

I’ve been thinking deeply about dedicating myself to Djehuty for a year in May.  I’m not sure how this would fit into getting to know the Norse pantheon.  I will have to contemplate it some more.  Perhaps it is not time yet.  I am hoping the reading with the local reader will help me to see this point more clearly.  He has been very “loud” in giving me signs.  I can still work closely with him and for him even if I have not taken an oath of dedication.  I know he approves of me working with the Norse gods.  The question that I have right now is whether or not this dedication would hinder the Norse gods in shaping me in the ways that I need.  I thought I had it figured out, but I guess I have some more contemplating to do.