Living in Ma’at

Written Yesterday, 9 May 2014

I understand ma’at to mean balance.  My life has been rather unbalanced of late.  Today was the first time I did any worship at my altar in five days.  I haven’t been taking my medicine to keep my bipolar disorder in check.  For me, living in ma’at begins with taking care of myself.  This means keeping up my hygiene and taking my medicine.  It extends to getting to the grocery store and doing some basic cleaning in the home.  Spending time at my altar is also part of living in ma’at for me.  I’ve been talking to my Gods, but there is something special for me about taking time to do more formalized worship at my altar and divine my Gods’ advice and responses.  I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with work and life lately, so I have been withdrawing.  I gave primary importance to less important things and forgot the importance of caring for myself.  I can’t help others or my Gods if I’m not taking care of myself.  I finally took my medicine this morning.  This afternoon I sat at my altar, offering incense, candle flames, and prayers.  I did some basic divination.  My Gods are not mad at me.  They understand that I struggle at times to live in ma’at.  Now that I’m feeling better, however, it is time for action.

Part of living in ma’at with bipolar disorder is taking advantage of the times when I’m feeling better.  My divinations confirmed that it is time for me to act.  I feel somewhat like I’m starting over at the beginning, trying to build a balanced life and practice.  Every step is movement forward, even if I’ve taken those same steps forward in the past.  I can’t say that I’m out of the dark yet.  Living in ma’at with bipolar disorder requires constant adjustment.  I must push myself when I can and remember to nurture myself when the most I can do is get out of bed.  I imagine that living in ma’at presents different challenges for different individuals.  I don’t think that my challenges are any easier or more difficult than anyone else’s difficulties.  They are just mine.

I’ve enrolled in a full load of summer classes.  This will require me to find balance in order to succeed at the classes and my other projects without becoming overwhelmed.  When my life is in order, I can contribute to the order of others and the universe.  I have a month until classes start.  It is time for me to start easing myself back into a healthier routine.

Written Today, 10 May 2014

Balance seems like only an initial descriptor for living in ma’at.  I’m not sure how else to define it.  Perhaps balance with integrity.  It is sometimes translated at truth, order, or justice.  I am trying to learn what it means to live in ma’at with spiritual and moral integrity.  I need to work on making the right choices even when it doesn’t always feel good.  I have been having a lot of issues with anger recently.  I am striving to make the choices that I know will lead to order even though I want to make the choices that make me feel vindicated.  I need to put my ego aside and choose what it right for the overall good.  I have let a lot of resentment built up from not speaking up for myself in the past.  Now that I am finding my voice, I am going too far in the opposite direction.  I am trying to learn how to maintain balance without sacrificing my voice.  It is a challenge.  I am looking to my Gods for support and guidance.  Living in ma’at takes work.

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